Bethany and I really need your prayers this week and into the next. PLEASE. The smiling face above is not representative of our current situation 🙂
I know there will be treasure found in this leg of the journey- but we’re definitely not there yet! We’re facing the mountain of middle school.
Yesterday, we went to Orientation for 6th grade- Middle School. We walked into the main commons area and started toward the auditorium. We heard loud cheering. Bethany stopped dead in her tracks. We saw a “tunnel” of cheerleaders waving pompoms, cheering and giving everyone high fives as the newbies had to walk through to get to the auditorium. Cool- huh? Not so much for Bethany. She burst into tears. Change, loudness, something out of her element and not expected- served only to overwhelm and scare her- not excite her. Mother mode kicked in (along with the beginning of a whole day of hot flashes). I hugged her close, and said, “Bethany, see these kids coming right now through the door? We’re going to slip in behind them and let the cheerleaders greet them. You don’t have to look at the cheerleaders or give them high fives- let’s just slip in behind these kids.” Cowering, she nodded, eyes still red. We slipped in behind the kids and I smiled and gave the cheerleaders high fives as I shielded Bethany from view. She proceeded to sit through the rest of orientation, eyes lowered, hunkered down in her chair, biting her knuckles and hanging onto my arm.
That was the beginning of a very long- emotional- draining- “I don’t know if I have the “hutzpah” to go through this” day. I found myself wishing we lived in a remote mountainside log cabin in Montana- anything to not have to deal with Bethany’s fears and my insecurities about how to be the best mommy for her.
Isn’t it crazy how you can be doing just fine and one thing- just one little thing- tips the balance of your world and you’re barely hanging on?
We made it through orientation, mainly due to the loving presence of my sister-in-law, Melody, who works at the school as a tutor. The highlight of the day was getting a key to open her very own locker! As we got in the car, she actually seemed somewhat excited about starting school. Whew.
Then bedtime came. I was tucking her in and getting ready to say prayers when she started crying again. Bethany’s tears rip my heart out. When a child has special needs it changes everything. It’s like you have a magnifying glass on your child- everything is bigger, scarier, happier, in life. The need to protect her grabs me by the throat and I am compelled to protect her. This “need to protect her” is not diminishing as she’s getting older. As the door of life is opening wider, I’m struggling with the bald fact- I can’t protect her from these kind of “life” challenges. Darnit!
Her tears break my heart.
I vaguely recall some wise sage said “you should never help a butterfly emerge from their chrysalis because you’ll damage their wings; preventing the ability to fly.”
“Mommy, I not want to go to school. I want to stay here with you. Gods not given us spirit of fear but I afraid. I don’t like new. You come with me.”
The balance just tipped- suddenly, I don’t want her to go to school. I want to cling to my little girl and forbid her growing up in a scary world where she will be stretched and challenged, ignored and perhaps bullied. I just want her happy. But God wants so much more than “happy” for us all.
In the big picture of life- I know this is so miniscule; its not cancer, death, or permanent separation. But in Bethany mind (and therefore mine) this transition is monumental.
Please pray that we can move forward and face each challenge and obstacle with grace and faith. Trusting in our Great Big God- who is never too busy for our little lives. Thank you for praying for us. 🙂
If you are reading this now- CLICK here for the EXCITING UPDATE!!!
Surprising Treasure: Jeremiah 33:3 ‘Call to me and I will answer you. I’ll tell you marvelous and wondrous things that you could never figure out on your own.” Lord- I’m calling!!!!
Cindy, my prayers are with you & Bethany…and with all transitioning for many in these next few weeks. Bless you for reminding me of these important needs!
Oldest granddaughter will be starting an all-day, 5 days a week kindergarten program that will catapult her parents & younger siblings into those hectic mornings I never handled well (and still don’t–and it’s just me & my cats at this point!).
Praising God now for the growth He has planned for us, that we WILL see.
Hugs!
Oh Cecilia- your words are like a sweet balm to more sore spirit this morning 🙂 thank you for understanding, joining me where I am, and praying that God will grow us as He planned- what a wonderful thought to hang onto! hugs
Cindy, my heart aches with yours… I don’t know what I’d do. I cried when our youngest, Ty, went to school for the first time on the bus… he cried on the bus, I cried back up the driveway to the house. He cried at school and had a very hard, UNcompassionate teacher… but he made it through with flying colors! His middle school years were the worst, and he even battled depression, but he persevered, and I just kept encouraging him. At the end, when he graduated from Jr. High, he won every award imaginable. And I think going through that time matured him for entering High School, where he just shined in academics and music and the performing arts! In fact, he went on to become Valedictorian with Straight A’s from first grade all through to his senior year!
You are so right about the butterfly! Had I kept him home, as my heart had wanted, he would never have emerged as the glorious being he is today! God knew. And God knows what’s in store for you and Bethy!! Will be praying!!
From my ♥ to your ♥
Mid
My eyes are leaking again- everybody in the house is getting used to my watery eyes- Mid, thank you so much for taking the time to share this with me. My heart feels better knowing you- & of course other moms, have had the same experience. I don’t mean to be such a baby about my “baby”. I appreciate your prayers and sympathy/empathy so much. There is the truth of the Word and then there is that “living out by faith” of that Word. I’m always thankful AFTER I get through the difficult times but the mountain climb is never that appealing to me. weakling 😉 needing Jesus very much! hugs and love ya! I “feel” the Lord leading the way- I just need to fix my eyes and follow.
Cindy, I know exactly what you are talking about and how you feel. I have had many of those moments with Justin. Things that come easier to others, just don’t come easy to our kids. It tears my heart out to see Justin struggle as much as he does at times. I just want to be able to fix everything for my kids and we can’t always do that. It makes you feel helpless at time. You and your family are in my prayers. You’ll find the treasure in it sooner or later. Hugs to you sweet friend. Angela 🙂
I love the truth of what you say- “things that come easier to others- just don’t come easy to our kids” so true! It does put us “fixer” moms in that position of realizing our total helplessness- meaning we are redirected to the One who is truly in control after all. I need to keep reminding myself of that- He is good- He is GREAT – He is over all! hugs sweet sister/friend! praying for Justin and your family as you re-enter school this year!
Cindy,
I understand!!! I am praying for you both. Even though Jan is 33 yrs old now, her tears still tear my heart into pieces. A couple of times she has gone to the “Friday Night Dance” at the Peoria, AZ community center. This event is for adults with any type of “special need” diagnosis. She had been wanting to go ever since we were told about them last September, but did not want her Mom to be the one to take her. Finally my life felt settled enough to ask for help from the agency we are working with. She had a respite worker take her one night. Jessie (sister) took her another week. Then the time came that no-one was available to take her and I gave her that news when she got off the van that Friday. She said she would just stay home. While I was cleaning up supper an hour later, I looked back and saw tears streaming down her face. She was silently crying. I stopped what I was doing and sat with her to try figuring out what was causing the tears. Turns out she really wanted to attend the dance. she was even willing for me to be the one to take her. Though I was feeling really tired, how could I deny her this 2 hours of pleasure.
Be really thankful that Bethany can communicate what’s on her mind and why she feels the way she does. The ability to communicate is a precious gift from our loving Creator. As a teenager, Bethany will most likely have more times of tears. Pray for her body’s ability to process the emotions and communicate them effectively.
Bless you all!!
Awww Debbie- come here- let’s have a big hug and a good cry together. You are such a good mom! Give Janice a hug and a hello from Kansas from us. Her tears break my heart so I can see why they break yours! After I posted this (obviously in a place of the mullygrubs for myself and Bethany) I’ve been comforted and encouraged by everyone’s sweet responses. I am re-grouping- thanks to everyone. 1. I am going to be thankful- Bethany can communicate 2. I am not left without choices 3. God is over this whole situation and I’ve let myself fall into fear mode instead of faith mode- so here I come- standing on His promises to transform us in the process and cause us to always triumph. (And you’re right- she just turned 13 and the “horror-mones” as Cohen calls them, are definitely running amok. Love you sweet friend- One day- we will be in His presence and He will wipe away our tears and restore everything this fallen world “stole” from our children. hugs
Thanks for the hug. I appreciate it so much. It’s another Friday night and she is not going to the dance. she did not cry this time. Jessie is in California with her in-laws this weekend, but has promised Jan to take her next week to the dance.
We will spend the night reading and make it an early night.
Love you!!
Ahhhh friend- these are the times we realize how our “beings” are groaning for redemption- when we THAT DAY arrives what a day it will be!!!! see John’s response below- this brother encourages me so much- both of his children have down syndrome and his wife has MS- here’s their story link- http://www.surprisingtreasures.com/2013/05/god-makes-no-mistakes-a-double-blessing-of-down-syndrome/ blessings to you and Jan and all-
Oh, Cindy, my heart cries with yours. Yes, we want so much to protect our children and now, our grandchildren. How we love them – and how much God loves them and will care for them. Difficult times! God has it figured out!
thank you Ruth!!! sometimes we just want others to cry with us! As I was “stressing” I thought- HOW DOES GOD our FATHER DO THIS? see the misery and fear of is children- He did all He could do- He sent JESUS! thank you for the encouraging words!
Dear Cindy, How hard this must be. I know your emotions have to be torn in many directions. Thank God Aunt Melody is there but still it is an experience that Bethany will have to walk through much on her own. I trust there are sources of assistance available. I will strive to pray when Bethany comes to my heart and mind. Keep us posted on her progress and if you need a cup of coffee and a shoulder to cry on, I am here in the woods.
You know it just hit me, Jesus came into a world where he did not belong and much like Bethany he had to endure much alone. I know he will give her angels to walk beside her even as angels ministered to Him. May Bethany sense God’s presence and love for she is so precious in His sight.
I care,
Earleen
Oh Earleen- thank you so much! I think between my mid-life hormones and Bethany’s adolescent hormones- we have a recipe for instant tears. 🙂 You’re right- Bethany will- and can- walk this out with God by her side. This is part of her growth and maturity- the plan God has for her…. I’m being a baby about it- there is so much worse in life that could happen- It just seems that when your child has aspecial needs- a special protection mode kicks in- you’re just sure, no one understands them or loves them or knows them the way you do. I’ll take you up on that coffee and I’m going to teach her that scripture- Her angels are guarding all of her ways. hugs
What an “approach-avoidance” dilemma, Cindy! I can certainly understand wanting to let Bethy decide what she thinks she can handle. And, I can see the need to let baby birds learn to fly, even though the nest is so much safer! Do you think the negative experience she had last school season remains to make her more apprehensive? I do recall how excited she was when she was facing school for the first time, how much she wanted it, then. Aren’t we glad to know that Jesus takes us one step at a time, and He is walking right beside us all the way! Do you think a small card for her pocket with a Bible verse to remind her of that would be a help? Love and big hugs to you both!
Thank you so much Edy- I do think last year’s negative experience is making her apprehensive and I think that’s why this is step is so necessary and important for her to be successful and enjoy it! I love the card with a Bible verse- we’ll do that. We’ve been to the school 4 times to “visit” and walk through the course of her day, practice opening her locker, meeting her teachers. Monday, we’ll take cookies and meet her para’s and hopefully make some relational connections BEFORE Wednesday morning. With Bethany, the more we prepare and repeat, the better. Thank you for all the prayers and encouragement but especially your love and support! As I pray about it- I really sense this is the way- walk ye in it- so to speak. You’re right- God is walking beside us – every step of the way!
You are blessed to have these impossible situations. Situations that only our Lord can be our help. Just as you are there holding your daughter so the Lord holds both of you. Just as the Lord would love to take us out of this dark world.. Does He not give us the grace to go day by day?
He cannot fail either of you.
Also the sweetest blessing is in this trial you see how our Lord weeps for us. 30 Years as a carpenter and yet so innocent. Just like your daughter. Our Lords Father held Him close and so you and your daughter are provided for. Not to escape the course but again given the grace to get through it.
http://www.lnwhymns.com/Hymn.aspx?ID=332
John! You are 100000000% right. He cannot fail either of us. After I posted- I was reading James 1 again- rejoicing in our trials- not there yet emotionally, but my head knows this truth- rejoice in the Lord always and again I say rejoice! Knowing what you face on a daily basis- makes me more aware of cultivating my rejoicing! God is good. Praying for you and Sarah- Noah and Geneve’s school year!
I am so glad that Bethany has friends that enjoy and appreciate at church. She sure loves and appreciates them. My prayer is that Bethany finds a couple of great new friends at South Middle School!
I am very proud of Cindy and Bethany. I sure wish I could have been there!
You’re such a great Dad- Jeff. You’re just what Bethie needs! Your wife is just on an emotional roller coaster right now with our baby girl 🙂
I prayed for you both this morning. Parenting is such a bittersweet blend of joy and heartache. God will be there as your sweet girl soars through middle school and beyond. You can do this, friend. We’re all here to see you through♥
Thank you so much Susan!!!!! It’s humbling to have to admit I’m having trouble handling this- it seems like such a no brainer- God is good- He’s on the throne- He’s working out all things together for our good- so REJOICE! Even though we’ve parented for 32 years now- I’m still learning how to love God’s way- let go of my fixer/controlling/limited ways and TRUST in our Heavenly Father- not just mentally- but emotionally and experientially (is that a word? lol) Thank you-
Thank you and I always tell my spiritual family members that with ever
twist of the knife (emotional feeling) I just look up and see those loving
eyes and know I would never know them as I do if not having to utterly
trust my Jesus
John- you are so right- It’s been so “easy” (well- as easy as life gets) with Bethany lately, and it’s time to lock my eyes on His- not on this mountain- He is my/our Shepherd- He will lead us. Thank you so much for the encouragement and truth!
John 15:13
Praying and cheering for you!! Can’t wait to read about Middle School.
xoxoxoxo
thank you so much Julie- God has brought Bethany and I to a much better place (faithwise 🙂 ) since last week! He is giving us perspective, faith, and yes- even JOY! 🙂 hugs